Monday, January 18, 2010

caution: brutal honesty ahead

So...I'm a little nervous about school starting tomorrow.

I let myself down last semester. Walt once said, "I think it's important to have a good failure when you're young." Maybe he's right, because failure brings a sense of humility.

In high school, I was not a humble person. Actually, looking back, I thought I was invincible. I don't mean to say I looked in the mirror every day and thought, "Oh yes, I am awesome," or anything. It was more of a subconscious thing. I went to the same school from pre-k through 12th grade, and while in some ways it was good that way, it also meant I was absolutely within my comfort zone. Senior year, I was an officer on the dance team, I had a steady boyfriend, I was without a doubt the best writer in the school, teachers adored me, and I managed to be popular without being one of the "popular girls." It was a good life, but I was too comfortable. And my relationship with my Father was a shallow shell of a relationship.

So by the time I got to college, I had a heck of a breakdown, because my life changed so absolutely and so suddenly. I have an issue with change...I fight it, and of course I always lose. It's one of those things I'm trying to deal with. In college, I was one of 10,000, absolutely anonymous, where no one knew who I was or cared. I dropped dancing, and that was incredibly painful. My best friend in the world moved an hour away, but it may as well have been China. I was no longer the best at anything. In fact, I discovered that I suck at quite a lot of things.

I dealt with it. But last semester, my faith in my writing abilities was shaken. Now I realize that a B might be painful, but it's not the end of the world. I can't make As all of the time in my best subject. Still, knowing these things intellectually does not mean I'm not terrified to see what this semester will bring. I will be taking 12 hours, all of them English. What if I'm in the wrong major? What if I get Bs in EVERYTHING? See, my Hermione Granger complex is starting to show.

I'm still working on my issues with change. I'm still working on my relationship with my Father. I'm working on doing my very best, and being content with that. But at least I'm out of my safe bubble. It's not pleasant, but I know it's good for me.

Here's to a new semester...bring it.

Have a magical day, everyone.


  1. Change is definitely scary, my girl. Let me know if you ever need to vent this semester! You're totally going to take down this semester, I know it! Have a good one!

  2. Will do. Thanks girl, you too!


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